For those who also have this problem, there are two options. The first method will take time to get used to, but it is definitely the easier way without much hassle, brought to you by a guest in the comments:
Go to your Blender preferences (Edit > Preferences > Input), then click upon Emulate 3 Button Mouse. This will enable you to use Alt + Right Mouse Button to rotate around. It'll definitely take some getting used to, but it's only several clicks.
The other method (that I'm sort of developing) won't get you to Macbook-great-feel status, but if you're looking to use Blender one handed on a couch somewhere, this may prove easier in your workflow (this is the way I'm learning to use it, but I'm planning to update this as I/we find more convenient, or more mac-like, methods. Editors who think I'm too wordy be warned. I'm planning on copying this text so edits that trim words stupidly bare will probably not exist upon a next edit).
Keep the Blender preferences open and go to the Keymap category (from main window: Edit > Preferences > Keymap). There's a search bar towards the top right of the window. Type
rotate and scroll down to 3D View. You should see one option with a "Middle Mouse" binding, and another with a Mouse/Trackpad Pan.
Disable one, and pull down the dropdown for the other. Now, from what I've seen, both of these will trigger a "rotate mode" that is moved by the mouse, and can often be exited by the "Escape" key. Bind these to your will (and, important, make sure you have a button that opens up another application. Since the mouse "wraps" inside of the Blender window when it's "holding" something, and the key will likely not work when you first try it, you might get yourself stuck while you try out this process). For me, I have this keybinded to Wheel Down with no modifier keys, set to Any input. Do be aware that making the keybind to be "Wheel down" will mean a little more work, as Windows Blender by default allows the user to zoom by scrolling as well as pinching, but, it works great when I forget I can't scroll with two fingers.
Now, for the work of modifying zomming:
Replace Rotate with Zoom in the search bar and scroll down to the 3D view section. There's going to be a ton of zoom options, but we're interested in the zoom options that have "Wheel In" and "Wheel Out" in their key bindings (these should be together and towards the bottom). Change these by pinching/unpinching accordingly if you are on a trackpad (and, I'm unsure about mice, but these are the settings where you'd change it). When done correctly (in reference to a trackpad) it will say Ctrl Wheel Up, and Ctrl Wheel Down, even if you never hit the Ctrl key. If you now click in your project, you will no longer be able to scroll to zoom, but you should now be able to pinch/unpinch like the Mac version of Blender.
And that's it, or, at least for now. With this setup you have something somewhat intuitive for fellow native Macbook Blender users. Best of luck in everyone's endeavors, and I'll see about more ways to make this method better for everyone reading. Cheers!
Futureproofing: This works as described for Blender version 3.2.0 on a Windows 10. This may not work if you're reading this years after being written, but best of luck to you! People tend to categorize things similarly, so with an understanding of the software's layout you can probably find what you're looking for!